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 Post subject: Pokemon Creepy Pasta
PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 11:38 pm 
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Joined: Tue Oct 29, 2013 11:13 pm
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Nature: Depressed

By: Electric Plasma

Once my best friend convinced me, I decided to get a Pokemon game. I had never had one before, and the series was quite far along, so I couldn't get any of the older ones at any old store, unless I bought it somewhere online. I set my mind on Pokemon White. There was Pokemon White and Black 2, but it just didn't seem as appealing.

I had used to be really into Pokemon. I had amassed a collection of over 500 cards over the years, and used to watch the anime, too. My favorite Pokemon used to be Electrobuzz, which then grew to be Electivire. Electric always had been my favourite type.

Since I had watched a few sparce videos about Pokemon, I had known the basic idea. Three starters. One fire type, one water, one grass. After getting the game, I started it up, watching the title screen flash by. Then came the moment every trainer cherished- My very first Pokemon. Tepig. Oshawott. Snivy.

Tepig and Oshawott looked fine.. but their design didnt really appeal to me. I turned to snivy. The devious glare in his eyes. He radiated a confident attitude. As if he was saying, 'You think youre better than me? Pft." I could tell he was my favourite of the 3. I clicked A excitedly. My rivals picked the remaining two. I looked at Snivy's summary. Nature: Somewhat vain.

Advancing into Route 1, I trudged through the grass. I came upon the normal pokemon of that route. Patrat, which I didnt even bother to catch. Purrlion, who looked ok, but proved to not be very useful to me. Then Lillipup. Lillipup stayed with me 'til the end. He was very reliable. He even competed for the top spot in my team with Snivy.

I counted down the levels. Then it came. Snivy was evolving. I watched his form flash into Servine. I nearly squealed in excitment. Afterwards, I checked his summary, eager to see his new stats. I looked at the top section of my 3DS screen. Nature: Vain. I had heard about some Pokemon's nature changing with their levels, so I considered this normal. Lillipup soon evolved into Herdier, surpassing my Snivy in health and attack. They were both neck and neck.

Snivy proved to be useless on the first two gyms. I had obtained a Whirlipede, which I had evolved from a Venipede. Whirlipede and Herdier proved to be of much help. I advanced through each gym. When I came to Nimbasa Town, Servine regained my respect. Servine, Herdier, and Whirlipede. My 3 main men.

Soon, after much hard work, they all evolved. Serperior. Stoutland. Scolipede. I checked each of their new stats. I paused at Serperior, looking at his summary.
Nature: Insane.

"..."

"What?" I said, a bit baffled.

"Never seen that before.. heh. Maybe I have something special?" I shrugged, talking to myself.

"Besides, I wont let one thing ruin hours of hard work! I don't like to replay things anyway..."

And then it came to the end. Close to it, at least. I had amassed a reliable team. I now had 3 favourites at hand. Serperior, Stoutland, and Kangaskhan. "Good work, guys." I mumbled to myself, heading off to the nearest Pokemon center. "Now, lets get you healed up..." After they healed, I prepared for the Elite 4, getting many hyper potions and revives. I'd need them, if they amounted to what everyone said they were. I stopped on Route 9, saved, and turned my game off. I headed to bed.

I dreamed.

I was at Route 9, exactly where I saved. I was my Pokemon character. Serperior stood, proudly, infront of me. "Master." He said with a slightly off, daunting voice.

"S-serperior?" I said, staring in awe.

"Where are the others? Stoutland? Kangaskhan?"He twitched as I said Stoutland's name first.

"Oh, I dont know.." He slunk forward.

"I think they had wandered off, no longer wanting their master. But I stayed loyal, yes. Very much so. Serperior truly loves you." I questioned this for a moment. Pokemon can talk in full sentences? ... Stoutland and Kangaskhan, running off? Whatever. This is cool.

As Serperior slowly advanced, I stepped back. He suddenly lunged forward and wrapped his serpentine body around me.

"Serperior loves you. Serperior always comes first. No other can compare. Not Stoutland. Not Kangaskhan."

He hacked, and spat out a tuft of dark fur and a brown scale. He quickly brushed it aside with his tail, trying to hide it. My mind clicked.

"S-s-serperior... You didn't.." He snickered. He inched his snout closer.

"Master wont leave Serperior. Master will always pick Serperior first.. always be with me."

He opened his mouth, revealing sharp snake-like fangs. Just as I was about to be biten by him, and probably devoured, (Maybe what he considered to be 'love',) something jumped out of the grass. The thing smacked Serperior in the head with a bone used as a club.

Cubone.

Traumatized, I scrambled away, curling in a ball. The Cubone came to my side, hugging my leg, as if it knew me..

"Kan..gaskhan.." It mumbled to me.

"You treated.. Kangaskhan.. well. You loved Kangaskhan."

I cried, completely confused and hurt that my very first Pokemon would do this. I hugged the Cubone.

"Th-thank y-you.."

I sobbed quietly.

My dream changed scenes. I was still in the Pokemon world. It was a grassy field, and many Pokemon calls could be heard in the distance. A Marowak stood proudly at my side. It had a faint smile, though had a sad look in his eyes. I had missed my Stoutland and Kangaskhan terribly, but now, apparently, had a new team to back me up. I took out my Pokedex, scrolling through the entries. I reached Marowak and paused.

Marowak.

Nature:Depressed.

Driven to near insanity by loss of its mother, he wears her skull. He will forever stay loyal to his trainer.

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Last edited by Electric Plasma on Sun Nov 17, 2013 9:53 am, edited 14 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Pokemon Creepy Pasta
PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 6:01 am 
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There are parts of this I really liked, but other parts which are over used or a bit pointless. I'm going to have to organise this a little:


Good:

The story kept me reading, despite most of it being the basic trainer journey, I did enjoy it.

I really love Snivy/Servine/Serperior, and think they were excellent Pokemon choices. Emboar is a bit too beastly to be creepy, and Samaurott looks too serious to be insane. Serperior is a perfect choice, I can imagine him talking in a strange seductive voice.

Although it's a little cliché, I don't actually think I've seen the dialogue of a jealous Pokemon done this well before, it's not the basic "Master why don't you love me any more?" The Serperior truly does sound insane, convincing himself that he is still the favourite. I really like that his nature changed to 'insane', that's a really good idea.


Bad:

I thought there was a little too much "I caught this and my team was this, then I caught this and my team was this." You don't need to mention every Pokemon you catch. Just maybe say like one or two you trained along Serperior, we will assume you caught others, you could even just say "I caught and trained other Pokemon along the way, and had a good team by the Elite 4." Which would cut out a ton of filler.

The dream, I think you need a better ending than "I had a dream then I woke up and my game resembled the dream somehow." This has been done loads of times, someone dreams about their Pokemon, they wake up and something has been changed in their party.



Overall, I think there are parts of this which could make a good story, but it does need a lot of work and the ending needs re-writing.

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 Post subject: Re: Pokemon Creepy Pasta
PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 2:41 pm 
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Thank you, MyNameIsM ^^ I really am thrilled that you liked it. I know the ending is a bit bad, But I really could not think of anything else. THanks for the feedback about the fillers and such, Ill be sure to take out anything like that if I make another story

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 Post subject: Re: Pokemon Creepy Pasta
PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 3:40 pm 
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Electric Plasma wrote:
Thank you, MyNameIsM ^^ I really am thrilled that you liked it. I know the ending is a bit bad, But I really could not think of anything else. THanks for the feedback about the fillers and such, Ill be sure to take out anything like that if I make another story

Not before you edit this one. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Pokemon Creepy Pasta
PostPosted: Mon Nov 04, 2013 3:28 am 
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Wow...Just wow. I enjoyed it. But I suggest you reread it. I found a few instances where herdier was called herider and also some grammar mistakes, and I also found some cliches. Also you should remove the authors comments at the start. I know it is important but when people read it it taks the genuine aspect away and sounds like a story. This is my first review so dont be hard on me.

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 Post subject: Re: Pokemon Creepy Pasta
PostPosted: Mon Nov 04, 2013 6:10 pm 
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hamzo7 wrote:
Wow...Just wow. I enjoyed it. But I suggest you reread it. I found a few instances where herdier was called herider and also some grammar mistakes, and I also found some cliches. Also you should remove the authors comments at the start. I know it is important but when people read it it taks the genuine aspect away and sounds like a story. This is my first review so dont be hard on me.

Haha, Its fine ^^ I enjoy any feedback I get, negative or positive. Thanks. Ill be rereading it now~ Mind telling me the mistakes you found?

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 Post subject: Re: Pokemon Creepy Pasta
PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2013 11:49 am 
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One thing I noticed was the use of Marowak. Seeming as it was at the end, though, it didn't really matter. Good idea for a story.

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 Post subject: Re: Pokemon Creepy Pasta
PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2013 6:29 pm 
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DarkAbuuna wrote:
One thing I noticed was the use of Marowak. Seeming as it was at the end, though, it didn't really matter. Good idea for a story.


Thanks. Do you mean that as it being an ill-used Pokemon?

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